I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards