When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???