Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger