Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production