[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.