Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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Cake!!
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.