Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]