the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Dishonest mechanic?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I feel seen
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey