I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*sewing*
A thread
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”