Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?