Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
selena gomez
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?