STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW