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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Hey i am sexy to you now
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
mathematically impossible
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake