My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Jupiter
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Guys, I found it.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.