My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Leaving the Barbers like
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.