1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.