There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
You Might Also Like
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.