THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue