My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.