Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
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*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
hackers play passwordle
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos