Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
sleeping beauty
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Risking my life for fun.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*