My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog