I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.