The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
what it’s like dating me:
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom