Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Previously On Persistence 😎
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?