ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
the saddest jazz hands ever
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages