Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Geez man, take it easy.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?