My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s