I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
You Might Also Like
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
So that’s what we looked like?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.