Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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me
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
don’t we all
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
🤣🤣
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.