[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The internet is magic sometimes.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.