My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?