The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I have questions??
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.