i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
You Might Also Like
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)