Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My dating profile:
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment