me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I want this so bad
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.