so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Just say no
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
ibopfufen
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?