karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.