[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.