Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.