*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I know
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok