My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff