Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Sorry. Not sorry
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.