Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
What about second breakfast?
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
just pretend nothing happened
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*