Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
These 3D printers are insane!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
checking out some reviews of my local library