– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
You Might Also Like
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.