god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.