Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying