Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
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I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*