[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
You Might Also Like
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas